by SheButterfly on March 27, 2011
Recently I’ve had sort of an epiphany about the whole idea of mindfulness. It’s something I’ve really struggled with in the past – that trying to stay in the moment thing – and I kept hoping that by practice or by sheer force of will I could figure it out. But I still struggled with my past and harbored a lot of resentment towards people like my brother, my parents, and other people in my life that “wronged” me in any way. I thought that if I could somehow figure out how to change my past or force the ones who hurt me into making amends or play the victim card to those around me, I could heal. But the thing I came to realize is that I had to give up control of my past.
I can’t control what happened to me. I can’t control how others have treated me in the past. I can’t control what I remember or what I’m not remembering. Only by being at peace with my past and being at peace with the fact that I can’t change things can I focus on the here and now. It’s a very liberating thing. I don’t have to necessarily work through all that trauma, because it doesn’t really matter anymore.
The only thing that matters is how I choose to deal with this moment. It’s made a huge difference already in my relationship with my parents (which I kind of renewed in light of what’s going on with my sister), and it’s made an amazing difference in my marriage lately. I realized that I was holding on to a lot of resentment from things that have happened in our relationship’s past, and once I let go of those things, it’s like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders; even our intimacy has improved.
I don’t really know what made me come to this realization, except that a lot has been going on with my sister and it made me realize how fleeting life is and how things can change in an absolute moment. My sister’s life is literally at stake here. And I realized that if something happened, if she overdosed, or got in a car accident or anything like that, none of what happened in my past would matter even remotely. It’s a sobering thought.
I probably still have a long way to go, and I realize that this new discovery about myself is but another step in my journey, but I feel like it’s been an important one.
by SheButterfly on March 21, 2011
I made the decision to discontinue EMDR. I felt like I just plateaued with it. It got to the point where I left there every week thinking that I didn’t come out of there with anything new. It’s definitely no offense to the therapist, I just don’t think that EMDR is for me. I didn’t really believe it was going to work. Call it self-fulfilling prophecy, call it what you will, but when you don’t believe something like this is going to work, it most likely won’t. And I have so much going on right now with my sister and work and life in general, three therapy sessions a week was just becoming too much. So rather than waste my time and, more importantly, my money – not to mention the therapist’s time – I decided to call it quits.
No one can say that I didn’t give it an honest try. I tried for six months hoping against hope that I’d get something out of it, but when it came to doing my first actual EMDR session a couple of weeks ago and I didn’t feel any different coming out of it, I started to really second guess it. And then when she told me last week that she could see another 6 months of work ahead of us, I knew at that moment I just couldn’t do it any more. I really feel like I’m getting more out of my time with the marriage counselor and my regular therapist, not to mention the medication I’m on. I know I’ve made tremendous strides from those things and I almost feel like concentrating on my past at EMDR was maybe even holding me back.
Again, no offense to EMDR and my therapist, I just don’t think it’s for me, and I don’t have the time or the energy to keep trying to make something work when I know that it’s not.
by SheButterfly on March 19, 2011
It’s kind of hard to say how I’ve been feeling lately. Obviously the thing with my sister has thrown me for a loop, but not to the extent I thought it would have. A year ago news like I received last week would have thrown me right over the edge. This year I’m upset, absolutely I’m upset, but I’m not taking personal responsibility for my sister’s life like I would have. I know that she’s an adult and she can make her own choices and there’s nothing that I can do about it unless she asks for or wants my help. And even then it’s up to me to decide how involved I want to get. The situation is dire, but the idea that I have a choice in the matter is fairly liberating.
We, as a family, had a meeting with her therapist and her sponsor on Thursday. They got us all caught up to date on what’s going on with her and what “the plan” is. This was much better than hearing it second or third hand from my parents, because there was information that the therapist gave us that not even my parents knew about. I think what I came out of there realizing was just how deep the lies go when you’re dealing with addiction. They basically told us to not believe a single word she says because it’s not her talking, it’s the addiction and the disease that’s influencing her behavior. Until she gets the help she so desperately needs, we have to take everything she says with a grain of salt.
She’ll be admitted to a 9-15 day intensive inpatient program this Thursday. Until then we just have to basically keep her alive by making sure she’s taking her meds (and not selling them), driving her to and from work, etc. And by “we” I mostly mean my parents because I’m trying to stay detached. I could offer to drive her around to her appointments because I’m technically a stay at home mom, but I’m not going to because I’m being really firm with myself that it’s not my responsibility. If they were in a bind I’d obviously offer to help, but I’m not going to step in and do it all, like I would have in the past.
by SheButterfly on March 14, 2011
I just don’t know what to do. My sister is in such a horrible situation and I can see it spiraling out of control and it’s like no one is doing anything about it. My parents are taking the “let go and let God” route, and while that’s probably the healthiest track for them to take, and I should take a lesson from them, it’s driving me nuts. I just want to go pick her up, drive her to rehab and forcefully place her in a bed. They tell me that this won’t work, that we have to wait for a bed to open up, but it’s just so. frigging. frustrating. and I don’t want to wait! They’re letting her drive again, and I realize that she’s 25 and a big girl, I feel like they’re letting her drive to her death because everyone knows that she’s going to use the first opportunity she can. They say she’s dangerously depressed. I’m honestly afraid for her life. I’ve been really depressed before and again, I’m afraid for her life. I’m afraid she’s going to overdose, or commit suicide, or both.
Don’t worry, I know a lot of people are thinking that I’m going to get sucked back in again, that I’m going to step in and take over. Believe me, I’m sorely tempted. But I’m going to force myself to stay out of it. I may complain about it here, but I’m not going to get involved. It’s not my responsibility. For self-preservation’s sake, I need to stay detached. My mom even told me that she’s glad I’m taking it so well, so I must be doing something right. In the meantime, I’m just going to try to keep myself busy and make the time pass faster, because I’m liable to go crazy if I sit around here thinking about it anymore.
by SheButterfly on March 11, 2011
Be prepared for this post to be all over the place. I’m having a rough time right now. My mom called me on Wednesday and asked if I could meet her for coffee Thursday morning. I just knew something was up at that point. So I met her for coffee and she told me that my sister is addicted to an incredibly strong drug. I don’t want to post what kind because I don’t want it show up in any search engines, but it starts with the letter “H”. Yeah. I don’t even know what to type. Talk about a blow to the mind. I’m so incredibly worried for her. Anyway, she’s going into a 28 day rehab program. God I hope this works. My mom said to me yesterday, “I wonder what happened to her.” Talk about guilt!! I swear to God that if something happened to her and my brother was at fault I’m going to… well, I don’t know what I’m going to do. I asked my sister last year and she said that nothing had ever happened but what if something happened and she doesn’t remember it? I shouldn’t even let my mind go there. My sister has had problems with drugs and alcohol since she was 14. She’s in her twenties now. She was a cutter, too. *sigh* I just know something had to have happened to her. People don’t start cutting and using drugs just for the heck of it. Crap crap crap.
